timandfee

For someone who normally sleeps like a baby, insomnia is a very unpleasant reality during later stages of pregnancy. Sitting here, at 4.45am having been awake for 3 hours is a right pain in the a**. I am particularly jealous of my peacefully snoring husband beside me (I confess I have poked him a bit harder then necessary to get him to stop snoring!). I’ve been in to check on Alina at least 4 times -  it’s cold and our little daughter kicks off her blankets during the night. So am currently propped up in the dark bedroom, with my chamomile tea and 3 biscuits, having plenty of time to reflect on why i am sitting up awake!!

I have less then 3 weeks to go to met my new son or daughter. Firstly I have to admit I found it very stressful thinking about what day the baby should come. I knew from the beginning I would need to have another cesarean, and was happy enough with that. However my doc recommended to have it as soon as the baby was full term i.e. 38 weeks. This would have been a full 4 weeks and 2 days before Alina made an appearance and that really scared me! I love my doc, and I’ll do what he says, but I really want to keep the baby inside as long as I can! I don’t for a second think I’ll go into labour naturally - having done everything possible to get alina out naturally, I believe I’m like my mum who for all 7 of us was induced at 41 weeks. Now the doc and I have agreed a date of the 28th of January, which is when i get to 39 weeks. I won’t have confirmation of that until next week when I have another scan, but all going well (which I really believe it will), the baby will be born on that day. While I personally would love to push it to february 1st, I think my doc, and more importantly Tim, would not have the patience :-). Of course in an ideal world I would love this baby to decide when they would like to join us, but the “rules” are quite specific here in relation to 2nd cesareans, in particular when there is not 2 years between deliveries and the baby is big (which is my case). I can tell you it’s weird thinking about what date you would like your child born…and it has definitely contributed to my sleepless nights.

I also find myself waking up in the middle of the night thinking about the baby’s name, or lack of it! I have questioned our decision not to find out the sex in the past weeks!! While we have now started looking at names, and indeed have some names for a girl, we have nothing for a boy. And maybe more importantly, I don’t feel we have got the “perfect” name yet. Of course in my case I won’t feel we have the perfect name until I have our baby in my arms and try it out for size, but I want to be a bit more prepared then the last time - when literally I took one look at Alina and knew no name on the list was suitable, but I had no idea what was. (Thanks again to Johanna for giving us the name. I still love it and think it’s suits our little Princess perfectly.) Hopefully we’ll be as happy with whatever name we decide for no.2. And before that I’m crossing fingers that we’ll at least have a list of boys and girls names that both of us love.

This time around I am also a lot busier at work, and have not had time to buy the needed baby “equipment”.  I finish work next Friday and will have just over one week to spend time with Alina, connect with this baby, catch up on missed sleep and shop for everything we need. I have not even looked at the shops for clothes - as Alina was born in July we really don’t have much for this little one to wear…plus what we have is pink which may or may not be suitable!  We still need to get the double pram, some blankets and all the new born baby stuff (nappies, creams etc) - luckily I’m going to have my mum and Ailbhe here for a few days before the birth, and I’m sure they’ll be dying to help with the shopping.

Another thing on my mind is the flat.  And how we’ll fit.  We need to clear out “stuff” and organise our place better fast! I have been bugging Tim a lot to help organise thnigs, but he is a guy, and in the end will only do specific jobs based on specific instructions.  Even then he’ll probably “get it wrong” in my hormonal pre pregnancy brain!!

Apart from all the things to do and decide, i have the normal pre-baby-arrival nerves.  Will my baby be healthy? is the main question i often find floating through my dreams.  Will he/she be as good as Alina was?  Will i cope?  These questions don’t have answers, but keep me awake none the less.

Speaking of which, I really should attempt to sleep, a task made harder now as the baby is moving around a lot. Guess I should not have eaten those damn biscuits!!

And so we say goodbye to a decade.    As is my way, I feel the need to share some of memories that come to mind from the 2000´s:

• New Years Eve 1999 - 2000.  A feeling of wow.  Feeling young and excited about a new century.  First time i was hanging out with so many of my family.  I also remember it as the last major party with the old crew, Dave, Matt, Lorraine and more.
• Tim and I moving in together
• The move to Barcelona ( Aug 2001)
• Rabipelao - the place where we hung out so much to begin with and where so many friendships and great night started
• Getting a job, and meeting the girls
• Trips to Ireland, where meeting with family and friends was nearly always a big night
• Buying our home (2004)
• Going back to Ireland for 6 months - reconnecting.  Helping dad.  Living with my folks.  All in all a fantastic experience
• Weddings…Dave and Niamh, Lorraine and Steve, Laura and Heiko starting it off and then babies popping out
• Getting married to the man I love (July 2006) with all my friends and family around.
• Dad´s accident - may not be a pleasant memory but it is a powerful one
• Deciding to stay in Barcelona having been at a cross roads….realizing i had made wonderful friends here
• 5 week honeymoon in South America (July 2007) and traveling to new places - we go to at least one new country a year which is cool
• Getting pregnant and during this time, feeling more special and loved then ever
• Having Alina, my greatest achievement and biggest gift
• Friends - feeling very lucky to be surrounded by so many fantastic people
• Christmas´s in Ballyhard - I grew to love Christmas and going home so much over this decade.   Wonderful family time.  And now Alina adds to that
• Getting pregnant with no 2

Thinking just about 2009, I would describe it as  a year of growth. Seeing Alina grow.  Seeing so many of my friends get married or get pregnant or change something significant in their lives.  Seeing tim amd I grow as parents,  and find our new balance moving from a family of 2 to 3 and then a family of 3.5.  I had a great, if busy, year.

On this the first day of 2010 I feel very lucky.   All of my family were together for a great Christmas.  Everyone in tim and my families are healthy.  We all love being around each other.    We dont have money or work worries like so many have.  Of course we have stress, but we have jobs that by and large we enjoy, and that gives us a very comfortable life.  Alina is a joy for us, her grandparents and even her aunts and uncles.  She is a beautiful,  happy and has the world at her feet.  I am still madly in love with my husband.  I have wonderful friends.   And we have a new very special gift coming in just 4 weeks - my pregnancy has been great, and I am so looking forward to meeting this new life, although i would be lying if i did not add i think 2010 will be quite challenging with 2 little ones!  I feel more balanced as a person - aware more of how to manage my stress, less unsure about my path, happy to live more in the moment.  I feel older, but not necessarily in a bad way, i feel wiser and more fulfilled.  Thinking about it, despite being a bit or a hormonal wreck currently, I am very happy. And yes lucky.

Looking forward, I am excited.  There are of course uncertainties - am i having a boy or girl is a big one!!! Will we have any names decided? Will i (we) be able to manage well when we have 2 little ones? Will Alina adjust to the new arrival easily?Where will we be living this time next year?  Will i ever get my boobs back? :-)  Will everyone be together again in Ballyhard next year?  Will i be able to live more in the now and develop more as a person for me? Will everyone i love have a healthy and happy 2010?  But excitement, not uncertainty,  is the key emotion i feel right now.

So hello 2010¨s.  I look back at a decade where i had a lot of fun, freedom and adventure.  I loved the last decade.  But i am not lonely for those years.  I look forward with positivity, and excitement.  And i have a really good feeling that 2010 will be a great year.

I love Christmas. It is my favourite time of the year. This year it will be a very different, as i will not be going home to Ballyhard - nothing to do with the fact that i will be 34 weeks pregnant - we had a fire in my parents house some months ago, not that much damage and we got everything out, but it means that the house is under renovation and not available to be the gathering centre it normally is.   Finally my mum gets her wish…for years she has been saying “maybe next year we will go away for Christmas”, we laughed and said no way, but with no house this year we had to do something different and in the end we are all going to Lanzarote.

I am sorry about that - i LOVE going to ballyhard for Christmas - mum has the house amazing (a lot of work, which is mainly why she wants to get away), the decorations are beautiful, the fires are on in every room, the Christmas music is playing softly, the fridges are FULL of yummy food, and eveyone comes home and is in great form.   Last year everyone was there - all 7 kids, the folks, my aunt Kay and tim - and we had an new arrival: Alina. She even got up and joined in the christmas night party (about 30 of the family and extended family packed into the sitting room singing basically).

We normally leave Balyhard much fatter, and much happier after 5 or 6 days and head to Belgium for New Year.

But this year it is different, we are going to the Canaries and then because of my pregnancy we come back to Barcelona for New Years.   On the 25th of December instead of hoping for snow, we will be hoping for sun.  I am a traditional girl at heat, i like the cold at Christmas!  But  at least we are all together and more importantly Santa is back after an absence of more then 15 years!

Christmas is so exciting for children, and while Alina does not fully grasp what is going on, it is still magical to see how amazed she is by the lights, and how weirded out she is by the “Santa´s” standing in the shop entrances!

I have been playing Christmas songs, we have the tree, and her room has 2 Santas, among other things! With me as a mum, the poor child has no choice but to be absorbed into the Christmas swing of things - like it or not!!  I love taking her around the shops, buying presents, showing her the trees and lights, and watching her amazed little face.

Christmas for me is about family.  And I am SOOOO looking forward to seeing everyone together - in the end it does not matter where we are, i just love us all hanging out. Another year where we are lucky enough to still be alive, in great health, and able to enjoy the silly season.  I will miss catching up with my friends mind you.

I hope that Alina will come to love the season as much as I do, and more importantly I hope that Christmas is as much about family - having fun, talking, singing, and generally hanging out - as it is for me.  I wish for her the butterflies and joyfulness i experience just thinking of Christmas day.  And i also wish that we are able to have many more years together, wherever they will be.

It hit me suddenly yesterday that we’re not young any more! With dread I googled when age Middle Age is supposed to start from - I was seriously hoping it was not 35! But no, I’ve 5 years to go yet…only 5 mind you.

I remember my mum at 35, she seemed so oooold, not to mention the fact that she’s had 7 kids by my age, yes that’s right SEVEN…..I suppose it’s no wonder she looked old to my 11 year old eyes. Although if I’m honest, mum looked really  fab in her mid - late thirties (wish i looked as good in fact).

I was trying to talk to my beloved husband  about this sudden getting old realization, but he continued snoring - for the record i reckon he may have a mid life (at age 40) crisis…hopefully it´ll be the mild “i want to own a fast motorbike kind”

Thinking about it, in the past I was often planning the next adventure, thinking about where i could go next, or what i should do - these days I’m a lot more occupied in the present, or at least short term future, it´s more the “did i bring nappies? when do i need to feed her? how many weeks pregnant am i again?”.

I don’t have any exotic travel plans - for years either I was dreaming about, or actually going to, far off lands. This year the most exotic place I’ll be is Lanzarote with all my family, an amazing travel dream is the thought of having an afternoon or a night away somewhere nearby!

And we can´t get the old times back.  There is a twinge of sadness when i think of college summers been long behind me, the feeling that i could go and discover this great wide world, no ties, opportunities all around. Of course there are things i don´t miss about that age - rummaging for pennies behind the couch to buy a pint of milk (or a pack of fags), sleeping on floors, drinking some awful wine from the bottle, always been broke, and also the insecurity of not  having any idea what i was going to do with myself when i grew up…

So here I am, living in a foreign city i love, with our own place, a decent job, a husband, a beautiful daughter and another baba on the way, actually feeling very happy and privileged with my lot….in fact if i had dreamt of this life for myself when i was younger i am sure i would have been ecstatic  But i guess since having Alina i also see how fast time is going.  And the feeling is strong that there is so much more i need to discover, and that even if i am loving life, i could be living and loving it more.  So maybe the main thought is not that i am nostalgic for past times, or worrying about old age, but more that i need to make the most out of times present…as time is fleeting.

..how lucky we are.  It takes friends and family to come over, and point out something that we have always known but maybe not appreciated - Alina is an extremely “tranquila” little girl.  She has always been very easy, even inside me she was calm and relaxed.  And when she was born she really was a great baby - sleeping and eating fantastically right from the get go.

A friend asked me recently if it was true, that i could breastfeed her in less then 10 minutes, and yes it was true - in fact in 6 minutes i could feed her and get her back to sleep when she’d awake for her only night feed during  those first months. Our daughter now goes to bed at around 8.30 or 9pm - we just pop her into the cot and off she drifts without a sound. She sleeps until after 8am without waking, and quite often sleeps until 9.30am.

Yesterday on the train, she stood between my legs for 1.5 hours without crying once, only fiddling with my ring and playing hide and seek with the passengers behind.  In fact once there are people around,  she is happy enough to potter around, read a book, or just sit looking at the “big people” talk.

Mind you her personality is not so quiet all the time!   She has a strong character, and i can see a little temper in there!  To be honest, i think in personality she is a little bit more like her mama then her papa!  But hey where would she leave it, as they say in Ireland

It is funny though, how even the unborn has a personality.  And that these traits are still with them as a one year old (who knows about later).  She was very quiet inside, and indeed was a quiet baby.  She was strong inside (despite 2 days of labour, her heartbeat never got stressed) and she is strong outside - bangs and knocks don’t really phase her unless she is tired.  Genes are so powerful, and yet we cannot control them.  In a way it is just destiny.

However as parents we do try to influence our child’s personality as positively as possible, but there is no one best way.  In the early days it was easier, you had to love your child unconditionally - they say that it is impossible to spoil a baby before they are 6 months old.  After that comes setting of boundaries and the “no” word - although seemingly it is not a word we should even use!  Honestly discipline is hard to figure out.  Consistency is key but yet hard to achieve when there is a mum, dad and nanny involved all believing in different things as “best practice”.   I believe a big influencer is to be happy yourself, and happy in the couple -  Alina definitely picks up on things like that.  Or maybe that is just my excuse for some selfish me and couple time

I think Alina had a great start, because she was so wanted and loved from before she was born.  I also think it helped that her mum and dad were so happy with their lot during her pre born time. As the time approaches for number 2 to arrive, I am constantly reminded that this baba is much more active from all the movement inside!  And also that I need to connect more even at this stage - i do believe they feel things coming from me even at 25 weeks, that will stay with them for time to come.  And I need Tim to connect more too.

I have all my fingers and toes crossed that this baby will be as easy as Alina, but seeing as that would be hard, i am planning to enjoy my beautiful little princess as much as possible in the coming weeks and months and appreciate the (mostly) peaceful times of now!  And for no. 2, what will be will be.  Life would be boring if it was predictable anyway!!

It’s a bank holiday Monday and I’m sitting in a park enjoying some “me time”. I’ve just put on some music and am conscious that this is the first time I have listened to this classical playlist since I was pregnant with Alina.

So the stats: I’m 23 weeks pregnant, with a due date of 6th February, but a baby arrival date of 28th January. I’m having another c section, on the doctors advice. I don’t mind at all. With Alina I went through the pain, the contractions and the pushing sensation - am fine to miss it this time We had our 20 week scan 10 days ago and all is well. Baba is 20cm. We are not finding out the sex, we even had to close our eyes during the scan. This time I just don’t want to know. With Alina we were told it was a girl, but it did not make me more organised and we still had no name. With this baba, maybe the reason I don’t want or need to find out is because I’m convinced I know. I have had a feeling since I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks and to be honest I will be ABSOLUTELY shocked if I am wrong….but I guess there is a chance!  Ailbhe says I’m self convincing the sex of the baby because it is what I would prefer, but honestly while I have a slight preference, it is more for alina. I don’t really mind, and I don’t think Tim does either.

This time around I don’t have as much time to “live” the pregnancy. With Alina I came home most evenings and lay on the couch reading baby books and playing music for her, while now I come home TO Alina, wanting to play with her and read her a story, before getting her ready for bed.  Even going to the doc is not as exciting - we missed the 16 week appointment as  i did not need it, and were 2 weeks late for the 20 week scan! I have not been as good with what I eat (in terms of things to avoid), although I am not eating as much rubbish and so this time I have put on 3 kilos less at this stage of the pregnancy. A good thing too as I started 3.5 kilos more!! (Side note: After this baba I WILL attempt to have a figure again!! The body weight the last 2 years has really been depressing to be honest….self inflicted I know :-))

Tim and I are also different - when pregnant with Alina, I was very spoilt and  there is no doubt i was treated like  Princess.  This time, Alina has taken my spot

And while I had pretty much had the same pregnancy - horrible month 2 and 3 and great since - the feeling of this baby is very different.  For a start, this baby is a mover and a shaker - i felt the first flutters at 13 weeks and the first kicks from 18 weeks - with alina it was 23 weeks.  Alina was exceptionally quiet inside the tummy - even getting the scan they had to prod her to move, while this time the doc said “wow, this is an active baby”. I also feel that this baby will look different - I see it in the scans, but I also feel it.  Tim thinks i am mad.  It is not that i have an image of a brown haired, brown eyed baby, just a knowledge that it will look dofferent.

I am convinced that this baby will have a different temperment then Alina, even from birth - while I am hoping he\she will be as quiet and good as Alina as an infant, I also feel that it will be a very different experience. Funny how feelings go!!

In a strange way i also feel more connected at this stage to my bump.  The bond seems strong, i think it took longer with alina to really feel it was our baby in there!

One thing that is the same, i am so looking forward to meeting this little angel, just as i was with our first Princess.  And it is still very exciting!

I guess it had to happen one day, although I wish it never did. Today I thought about what i would do if something happened to Alina. And i am still not over it.

It started with a fall. Alina was on the bed, and with both tim and i in the room, she jumped up and fell off. She landed on the back of her head on the wooden floor. The bang sent shivers through me. I picked her up and she had the shocked pause before the crying. I handed her to Tim, and she proceeded to vomit up all of her breakfast, projecti style, on herself and tim and she seemed out of it - then i was really worried. Clothes off, soother in mouth, i sat on the couch and held her. The crying did not go on for long, but she was definitely in shock. She was lethargic and could not move. I was so scared, and while i immediately wanted to take her to hospital we decided to wait a little while and keep her calm and still. Her eyes and the pupils looked fine, and she was not about to faint, but was not able to really do anything. We gave her a bottle and she drank it, a good sign i thought. Then she fell asleep on me (this was about 30 mins after the fall).

As she lay asleep, i cried. The shock and the emotion was too much. All I could think about was what if anything happened to her? I could not imagine being able to survive. Between tears of apology and words of love, i held my sleeping child and did that thing I never do - i prayed. I wished for her a guardian angel to watch over her, as no matter what, we could never always be there. This realization, that something could happen to her and i could not control it, was the biggest shock of all.

She woke up an hour later, happy as larry. Smiling, able to walk a straight line (well for her), with eyes that could follow my finger. Ailbhe came over to keep an eye on her with tim. Dr. Pol (Tim’s uncle) said to monitor her, and if anything seemed off to take her to hospital, but nothing seemed off. She will be sleeping with us tonight though.

However, even though she is fine, I am not. I feel emotionally raw. The shock for me, not just of the fall, but also of a possibility of something “bad” happening to her, is stuck inside. I felt helpless today. I know I will feel helpless many times over her hopefully long life, but maybe this was the scariest, as it was the first.

Again, all I can hope is the same as my mum prayed for us, that we each have a guardian angel watching over us, protecting us and guiding us. I need to believe that she has that, otherwise it would be too scary. Luckily I do believe it.

The amount of sleepless nights I have had about Alina starting nursery is unbelievable. Tim is all for her going, i think she is young. However i agree that maybe a few hours a day with other children will be good for her. She is really social, and loves going to the park and being with other people, so Tim thinks she will love it. I wish i was as sure!

Anyway when we did decide to let her go it was late in the year and lots of places were full.  Also there are no multi-lingual schools near us and quite a few places we liked do not take children before 18 months, so in the end we are sending her to a Catalan school in Gracia. It is a very organised  place - they have uniforms, need to have yellow towels and cups (yellow is the P1 colour this year!), and there is a book that we and the teacher fills in every day.  But  I don’t like it because the teaching of Spanish and English is minimal, and the class is big, 10 children to 1 adult. But it is new, and well managed, and it seemed better then the other options we had. (I am still looking mind you!) While the nursery is open 7.30am to 7.30pm Alina will go from 9.30am to 12.30 initially, and then depending on how she settles in, may sleep there, so go from 9.30 to 3. After this, she will still be with Loida, her nanny until 6.  So she will get plenty of time in the parks, by the beach and at the playground,and of course get Spanish teaching aswell.

All sounds good, and yet i am really unhappy about it and feeling like such a bad mum. I suppose it does not help that in our case I seem to be more of the traditional dad then a traditional mum! Tim gets to see much more of Alina then i do, and is her “primary caregiver” according to the books definition. It is definitely true that she is closer to him then me. I know this is normal, i leave the house at 9am and get back at 7.30pm; Tim, even though he is working, is in the house all day and takes her from 6pm when Loida leaves. I would not change the situation around and be a full-time stay at home mum, if i am honest work suits me and in fact I need to work, but while overall i may not feel that guilty about leaving for work every day (because tim is there), it does not mean that sometimes I don’t feel sad.

So back to nursery, my friends have all done different things, and as Alina is our first, there is no guidebook i can follow that will magically tell me what to do. But i wish i felt happy with our choice. Who knows, when she goes for her first day tomorrow, she maybe the happiest child in the block, but if not I know I will be torn up trying to decide what is the best for our little princess - in the end, even if it is nursery, it is the start of her school life, and at her age, i want it to be fun and something she loves…there will be plenty of time for the hard work in years to come. Anyway fingers crossed..we’ll see how it goes.

Am lying in bed beside my sleeping princess, in the countryside about 2 hours from Barcelona. We’re here to celebrate Karen and Alexis’s wedding. But today is also special because it is Alina’s first birthday.

So lets start with some memories.   I’ll never forget my first reaction to seeing her, i thought “she does not look like us, i wonder if they are sure she is mine?”. I remember how frightened she was when she popped out, like a little rabbit caught in the lights, but she immediately started to eat and relax. I remember waiting for my legs to thaw out with her asleep on me and thinking she was the most beautiful little thing ever…and also that no name we had suited her!  I remember calling her Alina for the first time, when she was 2 days old.  The excitement when the grandparents and cousins met her.  her lying on me during the nights and been so peaceful.   The nurses all saying 3 things “que grande”(big), “que rubia”(blonde),” ella es muy tranquila” (she is very calm).

Then we took her home and the learning curve really started.  But she was so good. No problems eating, no problems sleeping.  I had expected to be exhausted, but we were happy and relaxed.  I realize now, after hearing so many stories, how lucky we were.

Now a year later, I can hardly imagine a time without her being there.   Gone is the quiet, helpless infant. In her place, is a blonde ,curly haired, blue eyed little girl, who knows what she wants and how to get it.  She no longer looks exactly like her papa, but has a mix of us both in there (although still more like tim according to commentators).   She loves people, and can command the attention of any room. She loves music, right now she especially loves Beyonce “Single Ladies”. She has often a mischievous gleam in her eye, and adores playing games.  She happily chats away, and tells people what to do, in no words we can understand. Her first word was “nee” (no in flemish). She says “hiya” and “agua”, therefore covering all languages.

I love the little person she is becoming, even if I see some of my “bossy” traits there! I love watching her grow and seeing the new things she can do every day. I love seeing her and her papa, they already have such a special bond.  I love coming home to her, and seeing her smile.  She has such a big smile that really lights up her face. I love that having her has made me a better person.

Time is going too fast. On this her first birthday, I wish for her a long life filled with joy, fun and happiness. I hope she will be kind and always respectful of herself, others and the world around her.  I hope she will always be filled with wonder, just as she is now. I hope she will explore new things and places, and find beauty all around.

May she always know she is deeply loved by us, and all her family. May she love herself. May she be safe.
Happy birthday our beautiful little daughter.  You are our princess.  And the best 1 year old in the whole wide world.