It’s such a horrible feeling of sadness, guilt and regret after i lose my temper. Especially when it was really my fault we got into the stressful situation in the first place.

This morning I got up late. Tim had not gotten Alina up so then we were all late. Getting dressed and ready went smoothly enough, but of there is one thing Alina does not respond well to it is being rushed. And so she balked at putting her jacket on. Then the meltdown arrived.   In the end I got angry, and then I forcibly put her into the pram. She was screaming, I was giving out, luca said not a peep as we rushed out the door. For half the journey she screamed and I lectured, while  at the same time running down the street (you cannot get to Alina’s school after 9.30 or the doors close until 10). Then I listened to myself, realized that the horrible drama was mine of the making, stopped the pram and asked her if she wanted a hug. She did. And showed me a sore finger that I really hope was not caused by me!! I apologized for shouting, she said “I dont like it when you get cross” as we hugged each other.  After a few minutes of hugs we continued on our way.

She got into school on time.  But then started saying that today she did not look nice though, and I realized that part of the problem this morning was not just that I was rushing her, but that I had got her to put jeans on for the first time in months (she really only wants to wear dresses). After a promise that I would collect her with a change of clothes (a pink dress and purple tights to be exact), she gave me a kiss and walked in happily. Next dropped off a happy luca and headed for home. It was then, having realised how much I am failing on my first new year resolution (patience) and judging from the sad feeling in my chest, that the guilt set in. And right now, I feel like the worst mother in the world.