timandfee

I guess it had to happen one day, although I wish it never did. Today I thought about what i would do if something happened to Alina. And i am still not over it.

It started with a fall. Alina was on the bed, and with both tim and i in the room, she jumped up and fell off. She landed on the back of her head on the wooden floor. The bang sent shivers through me. I picked her up and she had the shocked pause before the crying. I handed her to Tim, and she proceeded to vomit up all of her breakfast, projecti style, on herself and tim and she seemed out of it - then i was really worried. Clothes off, soother in mouth, i sat on the couch and held her. The crying did not go on for long, but she was definitely in shock. She was lethargic and could not move. I was so scared, and while i immediately wanted to take her to hospital we decided to wait a little while and keep her calm and still. Her eyes and the pupils looked fine, and she was not about to faint, but was not able to really do anything. We gave her a bottle and she drank it, a good sign i thought. Then she fell asleep on me (this was about 30 mins after the fall).

As she lay asleep, i cried. The shock and the emotion was too much. All I could think about was what if anything happened to her? I could not imagine being able to survive. Between tears of apology and words of love, i held my sleeping child and did that thing I never do - i prayed. I wished for her a guardian angel to watch over her, as no matter what, we could never always be there. This realization, that something could happen to her and i could not control it, was the biggest shock of all.

She woke up an hour later, happy as larry. Smiling, able to walk a straight line (well for her), with eyes that could follow my finger. Ailbhe came over to keep an eye on her with tim. Dr. Pol (Tim’s uncle) said to monitor her, and if anything seemed off to take her to hospital, but nothing seemed off. She will be sleeping with us tonight though.

However, even though she is fine, I am not. I feel emotionally raw. The shock for me, not just of the fall, but also of a possibility of something “bad” happening to her, is stuck inside. I felt helpless today. I know I will feel helpless many times over her hopefully long life, but maybe this was the scariest, as it was the first.

Again, all I can hope is the same as my mum prayed for us, that we each have a guardian angel watching over us, protecting us and guiding us. I need to believe that she has that, otherwise it would be too scary. Luckily I do believe it.