timandfee

It hit me suddenly yesterday that we’re not young any more! With dread I googled when age Middle Age is supposed to start from - I was seriously hoping it was not 35! But no, I’ve 5 years to go yet…only 5 mind you.

I remember my mum at 35, she seemed so oooold, not to mention the fact that she’s had 7 kids by my age, yes that’s right SEVEN…..I suppose it’s no wonder she looked old to my 11 year old eyes. Although if I’m honest, mum looked really  fab in her mid - late thirties (wish i looked as good in fact).

I was trying to talk to my beloved husband  about this sudden getting old realization, but he continued snoring - for the record i reckon he may have a mid life (at age 40) crisis…hopefully it´ll be the mild “i want to own a fast motorbike kind”

Thinking about it, in the past I was often planning the next adventure, thinking about where i could go next, or what i should do - these days I’m a lot more occupied in the present, or at least short term future, it´s more the “did i bring nappies? when do i need to feed her? how many weeks pregnant am i again?”.

I don’t have any exotic travel plans - for years either I was dreaming about, or actually going to, far off lands. This year the most exotic place I’ll be is Lanzarote with all my family, an amazing travel dream is the thought of having an afternoon or a night away somewhere nearby!

And we can´t get the old times back.  There is a twinge of sadness when i think of college summers been long behind me, the feeling that i could go and discover this great wide world, no ties, opportunities all around. Of course there are things i don´t miss about that age - rummaging for pennies behind the couch to buy a pint of milk (or a pack of fags), sleeping on floors, drinking some awful wine from the bottle, always been broke, and also the insecurity of not  having any idea what i was going to do with myself when i grew up…

So here I am, living in a foreign city i love, with our own place, a decent job, a husband, a beautiful daughter and another baba on the way, actually feeling very happy and privileged with my lot….in fact if i had dreamt of this life for myself when i was younger i am sure i would have been ecstatic  But i guess since having Alina i also see how fast time is going.  And the feeling is strong that there is so much more i need to discover, and that even if i am loving life, i could be living and loving it more.  So maybe the main thought is not that i am nostalgic for past times, or worrying about old age, but more that i need to make the most out of times present…as time is fleeting.