timandfee

i drove past a squat today where they had this cool graffiti sprayed all over the house . it´s on the corner of Comte d´Urgell and Villaroel, barcelona.

When I was 23 weeks pregnant i wrote in the blog that this baby was different - he\she kicked way more, would look different, and have a very different temperament to alina, and that this baba would need me more. And it has turned out to be true. I was very lucky to connect with Luca even before he was born, and this connection has sustained me through some rough hours since. It is so hard to see your child crying uncontrollably and not be able to help them, or even understand what is wrong.  There is also guilt - was i too stressed in pregnancy? was my connection with people around me all it could have been? did i eat and drink the right things’? should i have left him “cook” longer?  Before he was born, I was good for giving advice to friends about how to get their newborns to sleep through the night after having Alina, but everything i held true with Alina did not work with Luca. I believed in not letting the baby share the bed, I believed a routine was important, even if it was not a very strict one, and I believed in feeding only when the baby was hungry, so about every 3 hours. But with my little man, I have trusted my instinct and all of these things have gone out the window as i try to help him manage his transition into this world, and as I try to get some sleep!

I have spent quite a while the last 11 weeks googling some of the behaviours of Luca trying to find a magic answer to solve the problem of him crying so much. I wanted to hear that there was something I could give him that would make it all go away, or at least that on this date he would suddenly grow out of it, and not be so sensitive. Instead I have only managed to get more stressed!! But at least I did find out that what I am doing is probably the best I can do for my little man. I also found out that we are not alone. And even though i sometimes am so envious when I met friends “normal” (J) babies - take Ruby or little Iker as examples - I also know that my little man is a happy baba beneath it all.

So I found the term to describe Luca, he is a “high need” baby, also known as super sensitive or sometimes called fussy. What does this mean? According to Dr Sears there are 12 attributes:
1. Intense - “You can read the intensity of the baby’s feelings in her body language. The fists are clenched, back arched, muscles tensed, as if ready for action.” - Luca never kept still inside me, and has not changed since joining us for real.
2. Hyperactive  - “The muscles and mind of high need children are seldom relaxed or still.” - while it is hard to say yet, Luca does not like being swaddled and quite often feeds like he has not been fed in days and fusses on the boob.
3. Draining - “High need babies extract every bit of energy from tired parents — and then want more.” - check
4. Feeds Frequently - “”Schedule” is not in the high need baby’s vocabulary. Early on these smart infants learn that the breast or bottle is not only a source of nutrition, but also a source of comfort.” - check  - while we get one 4 or 5 hour spell in the evening, otherwise i am feeding every 2 or 3 hours and at night i feed almost continually for a couple of hours…hard to say how often i feed as at night i can be asleep. Often when he is hysterical, and even though i know he is not hungry, i feed him to calm him down.
5. Demanding - “High need babies don’t just merely request feeding and holding, they demand it — loudly.” - check - he goes from quiet to full screaming in a millisecond.
6. Awakens frequently - check . if i put him out of my arms he wakes, and he sleeps with us for part or most of the night as otherwise we would get no sleep. He does do a 3 or 4 hour stretch in the evening and this is our “us” time.
7. Unsatisfied -not sure about this one, while sometimes it is true that nothing works, other times he is relaxed and happy and so i dont think he is an unsatisfied baby.

8. Unpredictable - “High need babies are inconsistently appeased. You will need lots of variety in your bag of comforting tricks.” - not sure about this one yet.
9. Super Sensitive - “High need babies are keenly aware of the goings-on in their environment. “Easily bothered,” “quickly stimulated,” “like walking on eggshells” is how parents describe their sensitive babies. High need babies prefer a secure and known environment, and they are quick to protest when their equilibrium is upset.” - check, even moving him in the bed one inch upsets him!
10. Can´t put baby down - “High need babies crave touch: skin-to-skin contact in your arms, at your breasts, in your bed. They extract whatever physical contact they can from their caregivers. They also crave motion. Holding is not enough; the holder must keep moving. If the holder wants to sit down, it had better be on something that rocks, glides, or swings.” - check, i wear him in a sling now most of the day, but even then i am constantly moving - although sometimes loida takes over!
11. Not a self soother - “High need babies need help to fall asleep.” - when Luca gets overtired he needs lots to help to calm him down, but to be honest some nights i can put him in the cot awake, without the soother (which he does not really like) and he goes off to sleep himself. Even alina did not do that!
12. Separation sensitive - “The song “Only You,” could be the theme of most high need babies. These infants do not readily accept substitute care and are notoriously slow to warm up to strangers.” - i am not sure about this yet, while I know Luca seems to prefer me, and sometimes only i can calm him, I am not sure how he will be with strangers - right now he is all smiles to everyone when he is calm.

So having read all of this, and then hearing high need babies become high need toddlers, and high need children,  you can understand why i was a bit despondent after my internet research. I know realize that there is no magic answer, and I just have to change my perception of what a “normal” baby is, and as I said in other posts enjoy him being him. What the sites did not say, and what Luca is doing, is smiling a lot and trying to communicate. I know that it may seem a contradiction to say he smiles a lot, but he does - a baby can cry a lot and smile a lot too. I also think that he has a touch of colic, as sometimes his cries seem to be pain, and i am hoping that this will wear off in a months time.  In fact i am hoping that most of the crying will go in a months time, and that by doing attachment parenting now (sling, sleeping with us, feeding on demand) i´ll set the tone for him to be secure with us and with himself.  I also refuse to believe that he will be high need always..  When he is relaxed, and is “talking” and giving huge smiles i think he is a much happier baba then even alina was and he has a twinkle in his eye that seems to want fun!  Even though this time is hard, it goes so fast, and I despite all I am enjoying it (mostly!).

I have not felt like writing recently, mainly because i hate to constantly be a moan!  It has been a tough 10weeks - but things are on the up and up and i am much happier.  We had 3 weeks of sick children, in the middle of which we moved house.  Luckily we had spare arms here in the form of Griet, Meme, Kay and Nana G, who all took turns over a 4 week period of visiting and basically having a child in their arms all the time.   We then spent 12 days in ireland, where we had great help, but of course alina was totally out of any routine and now asks for “ice keam” and “bis quets” all the time!!  It was still great to catch up with family and friends - i felt it had been too long since i was back in the homeland.

Luca has improved, although he still cries a lot and is super sensitive - i have now decided that him sleeping with us (at least part of the night), feeding lots, and needing to be in the arms is just part of him been him and i need to enjoy it - if i am honest there are lots of times when i love being so needed - i like him sleeping with me, i love breastfeeding, and carrying him around in the sling is not hurting the back - if it helps him stop crying then i have to forget the books and my own routine advice and just go with it.  He is what they describe as a “high need” baby, which is hard work for mum and dad!  on the other side he is smiling and trying to “talk” now, and is just so cute that he melts my heart all the time.

i am now torn about the thoughts of going back to work - i do want to work.  I actually need to work,  But the guilt has already set in, as i am due back when luca is only 4 months and unlike with alina he is much more needy of hie mum - there is no way he will be sleeping through the night or ready for his own room by that stage!  He maybe gets 4 hours in a row now, but then he is in our bed after that - no soother for him!  Also with alina i had 5.5 months off because of holidays, plus tim was working form home and minding her from 3pm up until she was 1 year  - this time he is so busy it is unbelievable.  So even though we are lucky enough to have an nanny, who is fantastic with luca and alina, i still cant imagine going back to working 50 hour weeks in just 7 weeks time.  So i am torn.  I think at least until the end of the summer both tim and i will need to reduce hours so that we are around as much as possible, and definitely i need to get a lot better organised and improve time management!

So considering that time is ticking, and i am spending too much hours worrying about lucas temperament (has he colic? is he just a fussy child? or is there something else wrong?), alina´s suffering (she is still not used to Luca and is finding it hard, which in turn is hard on us), how we can both juggle 2 kids and work, and how long i can breastfeed….i have decided to chill.  I need to play with my kids, enjoy my time, hang out with my friends, go to the park,  take long walks, experience new things through them,  and have fun!

Today was a good start, i spent all afternoon with alina blowing bubbles, painting and get covered in paint, and singing and dancing to all the favourite songs.  Made me feel like a good mum.  I know we are trying our best, and this has not been easy, but i also know that if i can just go with the flow more i will enjoy the rest of my time of a lot more.  Time is going so fast, and it is so precious, so i am determined to enjoy this time with  my beautiful son and daughter.  And not feel guilty so much! Now all i need is the sun to come out!!

After nearly 6 years in our beloved old flat, we needed to move, as 4 people was just getting too much. We looked for months, poor Fiona spending every night looking for a place online. A few weeks ago we finally saw the perfect place, and last weekend we moved in.
And i LOVE it! It’s very spacious, has a beautiful terrace that alina loves, a lot of storage space, a cool kid’s room, a great kitchen and… a separate wing for the master bedroom. Mmmmm

Soon we’ll have our house warming party, so you can come and see it!

And alina loves it more

I have to say that having 2 kids 18 months apart is damn hard work in these early days.   Some of my friends did tell me, but i guess i did not believe it.  Some others did not seem to have any troubles at all….or so it seemed from the outside.   I will freely admit that both tim and i are finding it hard going, but luckily we have loads of support which makes it manageable and gives us some time to recharge.  We have even gone to dinner alone!

My little man is 1 month old, and time is indeed flying.   I would love to say he is an easy baby, but i cant-  For 2 weeks he slept most of the day, and Alina was good around him all considered.  Then he slept less and fussed more.  To be honest he cries a lot.  I feel so sorry for him at times, he cant tell me what is wrong, and i cant always figure it out.   He is what is called fussy in some books, but I am convinced that I can do things to change this, I just need to figure out what!

Right now, he often cries when he wakes up, when he is hungry, when he wants to be held,when we change him, when we bath him, and when he has to burp or poo - the good news is that he stops crying quickly once he is picked up.  His cry is like him saying “hey i am here?” and at other times  ”what´s happening??.  He does have a witching hour in the evening (or sometimes in the middle of the night), when it seems that he is in pain and it is harder to sooth him . i suppose this could be colic.  The things that worked to sooth Alina dont really work with him- swaddling (he hates it most of the time), hairdryer and white noise (no affect), soother (works only sometimes), singing (not a hope).  It seems that he is sensitive and just wants to be held and reassured.

As I mentioned in another post, he also feeds a lot more then Alina.  He was feeding maybe every 2.5 or 3 hours during the day, but often every hour or hour and a half at night.  The last 2 days this is better though, and I have gone from about 11 feeds per day to 8 or 9.  He can even do 4 hour stretches now.

Now the good news.  By holding him constantly, he is actually very quiet.  I am sure the friends who has met us out think he is perfect!  So it means that he is mostly in my, or someone elses arms at the moment.  I have started to use a sling which at least keeps my hands free.  Also at night, he is often in with us…or in fact, in with me, as he kicks his dad out regularly! And i have to admit, i kind of like sharing my bed with him!  Even so, getting more then 2 hours sleep in a row is a real luxury.  Nut with me in the bed, we both sleep late (i confess i am seldom dressed before 1) and so i am not exhausted.

Alina is good with him, but also nervous.  In the past week she has not been herself, as if realising that this little thing is not going away like it should have, and maybe is here to stay!  She has sometimes even taken to crying like him!!

Through all this, I do know that I am very fortunate -  tim feeds and minds me and alina, and loida takes care of alina during the day, letting me have a shower and eat (i have been eating like a pig  - way too much rubbish)!  We also have had some great help from Griet and Meme (who is here at the moment).  Be warned though, we tend to wear our guests out!

My overriding emotion at the moment though, is that I feel lucky, Alina is cuter then ever these days, mimicking everyone in every language!!  And she will be a great big sister.  We just need to mind her now, even when she is driving us mad!   As for “cuca”, he is so cute that i can forgive him the new grey hairs and bags under my eyes!  I also know time flies, so i want to enjoy these days with him, as soon he wont be an infant anymore.  And despite my moaning above, i am loving my time at home with the two, and consider myself very blessed.

I feel like a walking boob!  All i seem to be doing is either feeding, leaking, expressing, or if doing none of those milking related tasks, i am holding my son near the boob so that he is calm.  Of course i would be lying if i said my day is all about boob…i also get to change 8 poopy nappies….and that is just Luca!  I have become an expert on left handed writing and eating.  I have also the ability to sleep anywhere - but this has resulted, not surprisingly, in back ache.  So yes, my day seems to now be a combination of the following things:

• Boob activity (need i say more)
• Changing nappies
• Cleaning up baby vomit - often from myself
• Changing bibs and clothes
• Making the shushing noise
• Walking around jiggling my son in my arms
• Playing endless baby and toddler CD´s - for Luca to relax him, and for Alina to wear her out!
• Trying to step around  the obstacle course that has become my home

In between this i look for a new flat, eat biscuits, and drink tea - some teas i hate but drink as they are supposed to help Luca to burp!

I do have to thank the sun, moon and stars that I have a husband who feeds me, and loida who washes clothes and dishes and lets me go to the loo alone!!!

Life, when will you be mine again????

Yesterday we had our first meeting with our new pediatrician, Dr. Fuast.  He had come recommended from a good few friends.  He confirmed what I had suspected, our son is healthy, putting on weight, and is a sensitive baby!

For the first two weeks (so up to yesterday basically) our little man pretty much  just slept.  He was sleeping 22 maybe every 23 hours per day. However even then you knew he was a sensitive baba, at least in comparison to his big sis.   He woke and cried for a feed, and then feel asleep on the boob.  He cried when been changed, but calmed quickly when he was picked him up.  He has problems burping, and tends to spit up a bit, but not like Alina who tended to vomit quite a but after a feed.

Alina….when you have a really good first baby, you tend to compare.  Alina ate every 3 to 4 hours, every 5 hours at night, pretty much right from the start.  She seldom cried, and went to bed fairly easily with a soother.  She ate quickly, was awake a lot during the day but lay there quite happily, and went to bed at 8pm. waking just twice before 8am the next day from 2 weeks.

Luca is different.  He cries loudly when he is being changed, and does not like the water.  Everything he eats, comes out the other end.  He is very hard to burp, yet you cant put him lying down after a feed as it hurts.  He eats less then Alina, and more often, 8 to 10 times per day, sometimes at night after an hour and a half, but during the day it is minimum 2 hours and can be 3.5 between feeds.  He sleeps more during the day then at night, his witching hour is 9 to 11pm,  which has actually worked out well for Alinas transition.   He likes to be held, especially by me.  At night if he sleeps with me, every0ne gets a good nights rest, but he is not the best for sleeping in his bed!  He can sometimes lie quietly in his bed though, and drift off to sleep without a soother.  And he goes easily from being upset, to being relaxed and calm once he is in the arms.  But basically any change to his environment starts him crying, and not a little cry, a full on “what the hell is happening?” cry!

I am very lucky to have Loida for a lot of the day to take Alina or Luca, and Tim is around also.    I really do not think i could manage the 2 of my own well…..and i admire all my friends who do it!

It is early days and i dont know what our little man will be like next week.   I have to admit though, i love staring s at him.  And at night when he is fast asleep in my arms, i dont mind that he will not sleep on his own - it feels kinda cool to have someone so dependent on you, and to have such a bond that when i hold him and talk to him, he can stop crying and just look happy to be with mama